lately i've been getting choked by my anxiety again. i've been back here for a few weeks now. i've spent most of the time working (which is good!), and i've seen a handful of people (still not everybody i want to see) which has been really good. i always find it stressful to be back here, though. as much as i love the city and everybody here, it's laced with bad memories from the shores of the oceans to my bedsheets. i get left alone much more here than i do down south, and this opens up my head to recall all of the lovely bad things. i often catch myself being swayed by my seemingly persistent anxiety at the moment and it's so much work to hold myself up. sometimes a walk seems nice (like tonight), but the ocean air on such a beautiful night smells like all of my nightmares too.

i'll be fine, with a little more work i'm sure i can enjoy my headspace in this city the same way i do down south as well.

i'm feeling a little bit bad about a nightmare i had, it's really stupid actually but it made me wake up upset and hurt, which was the first time i'd felt like that in a while, and i'd done it to myself to without meaning to. i wanted to tell someone but everyone's busy/probably doesn't care, but that's what this blog is for anyway!

i don't remember the early part of the dream, but i slipped up with something anyway and an ex-friend showed up out of nowhere to help me, and i was so grateful and so happy that he'd come to help. i remember we were laughing and joking in my kitchen, but he went upstairs to go get something. i was about to tell my flatmate in the kitchen about how nice it was and just as i started to speak, he came back downstairs and went straight out the backdoor. i was confused so i went to follow and see what he was doing (because i was scared he'd leave), and he was leaving in a rushed pace. i followed and from a distance said "where are you going? please don't leave me again!" and he said "ugh i don't want to be here leave me alone" and it was horrible because we were getting on so well in the dream until this sudden switch. i followed but this was also when i woke up feeling terrible.

the thing about the dream is that's how it always was in person (not quite that sudden but pretty close still), and it wouldn't have hurt so much if i didn't care. i've never been very good at not caring, though, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing either (but it can be one). i don't have any strong beliefs about whether dreams have any real meaning behind them or not, but i can still take that one as a reminder about what being hurt feels like.

i've been feeling so great lately. today as a couple of study breaks, i went for a walk around the botanic gardens to get some sun and fresh air. i just listened to music and whole time and smelt flowers and it was really enjoyable! there's the residual study stress that makes me irritated at everything around me still so i'm trying to keep to myself as much as i can in a flat, but that'll pass quickly.

i haven't done much else recently thanks to time-consuming papers and exams. sigh. overall, i really can't wait to get back and see everybody in christchurch. it has been so long because of how terrible my mental state was this year, i just wasn't able to see pretty much anybody throughout the idea without feeling i may break down (again, i've really come so far since things did hit a pretty bad low earlier this year). unfortunately in my accomplishment, i'm scared that one wrong move will fuck it up again, and what classifies as the "wrong move" broadens significantly when i return to christchurch. a friend told me i better be attending his party when i'm back and i'm literally not planning to because there's too high of a chance i'll slip up, and i really can't afford that at the moment (or ever, ideally). i did make myself a promise after my birthday had passed which i am still working on, and i am sure i will eventually accomplish it. i'm sure i'll be fine once i initially throw myself in the deep end, but it doesn't just come down to me, either. i don't know why i'm being vague, nobody reads this. most of all, i'm just scared he'll apologise to me and as much as i'll want to accept it, i know if i did then i'd be back to square 1 and that's just not fair. maybe the challenge to tackle is how to not get an apology, perhaps.

so annoyed at nothing exactly, sigh

i don't know what i want

but an apology for making me want to die all those months ago is a good fucking start

feeling really spazzy and anxious right now which is pretty unusual for me these days (it's still pretty cool seeing myself recognise this as something uncommon now). i'm mostly just having a lot of guilt about what goes on in the animal industry, how animals are treated despite whether they're going to be sent off to be slaughtered for the purpose of being eaten etc. it's awful in every aspect and it really upsets me that i can't help. i can't even assist any upset friends right now because of all the work i have to do for exams and stuff, and that's something i find equally as heartbreaking (REALLY heartbreaking).

hm, besides this, i'm learning about the ethics and moral dilemmas behind neural grafts and stem cell therapy and such, which is actually also very upsetting (i'm just not having a good night with what i'm being exposed to, hahahaha), but also super interesting and engaging and they're pretty difficult issues to tackle in cases. i enjoy getting chances to free think about this sort of stuff.

oh, and my birthday was really great! i'm really fortunate to have such lovely people around me and i'm over-joyful for how things went! the thing i wrote about in my last post didn't happen as i expected of course, and that's okay. having given myself that guideline, i have something to actually work off of now (i could have used any day for it really, but a birthday had at least some rationale behind for me to feel i can work with it). i'm just glad to have that last bit let go of old troubles and catch up to the rest of me.

i remember the surprise i got on my last birthday, and a teeny tiny piece of me remembers the mixed feelings of confusion, anger, and also happiness. i didn't expect you at all to wish me a happy birthday then out of the blue, but it was nice. as much of you as i have let go with much work, that teeny tiny piece of me isn't going to let you go until after my birthday is over and i know you're gone for good this time. i need to really set myself this not as a rule, but a guideline.

and so, i declare that after the 17th of october, i will promise to never let you get a fragment of my hopes up. i promise to never think about you and remember how much fun we had as friends unless somebody else asks. i promise that i'll continue being as happy as i am now. i promise that your face and name will fade so much that i will never be able to reconnect you to the embodiment of the bad things and the good things you've done. you'll be gone, and neither of us will ever have this concern again.

maaaan i'm so annoyed, i unfollowed a boy on tumblr for borderline vegan shaming (at least expressing a shit load of ethnocentrism which is something that really bothers me), and i don't really mind but he's going to start whinging when he notices i unfollowed him because he's insecure about himself as it is, but that is no excuse to shame other peoples beliefs and choices. he has already sexually harassed me anyway which was really uncool and i didn't go along with it, but i genuinely felt bad about his bad self-esteem that i couldn't justify cutting him off for being a creep. it's for the better, but i still feel bad about it although i haven't done anything wrong.

that was such a pointless rant, i'm really not bothered but i felt a need to justify myself still, hah. maybe i should question my own self-esteem.

nah, things have been good recently. i've been keeping super busy, although i've been really sick the past 3 days and haven't done anything. finn and brittany are here this weekend too. i'd love to go to laura's party and see them but my old friends will be there too and i've already had enough nightmares about being shunned to a corner of a room while they all have fun without me, it doesn't need to be a reality but i really struggle to tell people that. laura thankfully caught on it'd be awkward for me though and told me it was okay if i didn't go if i didn't feel comfortable, super nice of her! i'm sick anyway, so even if i were braver, i still couldn't have. haha.

in other words, i can't wait for summer so i can spend it all either working, seeing the best people and drinking, and walking through the shallow waters of the beach and using the fresh ocean air to clear my head. i'm so excited. i never knew the beach would have such a strong pull on me once i moved away from home, but it's all i can think about half the time. it's going to stick, too. i'm never going to be able to comfortably live anywhere far away from a beach, and that's fine by me.

research proposal done, oh my goodness i'm so glad it's out of the way. now i have a 30% due on wednesday which i haven't started, but it will be done!

this research proposal is getting less scary the more i try do of it and the more i read over what to do, it's starting to turn out like a typical lab report but with me actually proposing the experiment. it's such a bother i have to uses references to propose an idea and how i came to the conclusion that it could be good.

i can totally do this.

i have so much work to do and i don't even have time to sit back and just do something i like to do at the moment, jesus fuck.

i just finished a 14 page assignment (3200+ words) to hand in tomorrow which i'm hoping will get an A+, and early next week i have a research proposal due (the big assignment of the year i haven't been looking forward to) which i am only just starting now but i'm kinda really confused on what they want me to do, and the day after that's due is an essay for anthropology (which should be easy but ideally i wouldn't have it slotted in with all my other work at once, since it's worth 30% or something nuts).

old me would have choked to death doing this, but new me with fantastic mental and physical health actually isn't all that worried, just not sure how to manage my time if anything. i do love keeping so busy and feeling like i'm being totally useful.

in other news i got sexually harassed by another boy and i'm just so unimpressed. i can't work out why i attract this sort of shit, i don't provoke it in any way at all (not that unintentionally provoking it is a reason for it to happen at all, ugh). besides i'm too busy drooling over a lovely boy

i spent such a long time beating myself up about being a worthless shit-head that i genuinely forgot the core foundations of sort of what i am. i'm a nice person. i find nothing easier than being nice to people. i've been fucked over countless times for that that i guess i grew to think of it as a weakness making me incapable, but i also shouldn't mask the times others have really appreciated the fact i'm nice with the fact that others didn't appreciate it. i even complimented past-me earlier (although indirect, that's a big improvement).

i'm not sure what i'm explaining to myself. i know i'm improving more than i ever have. i know why i'm improving more than i ever have (and that's unfortunately tragic). i'm not going backwards, though.

meanwhile, my heartstrings continue to be pulled in the right ways, but i suppose just at the wrong times. i'm too busy this days, or maybe i'm too scared.

it's interesting looking at the turn around of the things i've posted here. i can't remember if i've pointed this already but just months ago i was a crumbling mess that seemed impossible to be repair, but here brand new like nothing really happened. it's a little (a lot) freaky how much seems to happen at once at times for me, and it's always over summer, too. my summer moods have never been particularly good (i mean, for the past 4 years now i've ended up losing that teeny bit of control over myself and suddenly i'm back with the same boy every time, for fuck sakes). 

and now, things are just so different. i never really thought i'd be head over heels over somebody else this much but it's such a good thing, and i'm even just unawarely making the best life style choices and everything is pretty much just playing out for me like it did when i was fifteen all over again (after years of bad luck, it makes me feel so skeptical). 

as wonderful as everything is, there is a little box of fear chained up containing everything that i think i know could ruin me. they're things i feel i've faced, but because i never got an apology from any of the people who made things the worst, i couldn't ever move on that last bit. it's heart breaking knowing other people never get an apology that could ease the weight they're still carrying; my case really doesn't bother me so much anymore if i'm being honest. i'm happy if this can be maintained and it honestly isn't a big ask as long as people let me be this time. 

i guess that's all i have to self reflect on. presently, things are fantastic and i'm going to hold onto this as tightly as i can.

still overwhelmed and i just have nothing new to say
times is moving so quickly that i can't keep up with all the finer things around me, and that's concerning for somebody so attentive.

i'm so happy and still dreaming, aren't i?

i've overcome such a big source of my anxiety and like, way to go me. this is such an achievement after everything that's happened this year, it really didn't seem like an achievement i could actually reach at the time. 

i'm going to have to start reestablishing trust sooner or later, but that will come with practice and time. i'll hopefully be luckier with people this time.

and to think it was only a few months ago where instead of being on top of the world, the world was on top of me. that's fucking madness to me how much has changed and how little control i seem to have over any of it.

things have been going by in such a blur and i'm entranced by the simplicity and the sweetness of everything. i don't know how to describe this but i feel like i'm on top of the world and everything is absolutely mine. this feeling is somewhat all too familiar, but this time i'm on top of something else altogether and this view is more preferable.

i'm doing well with all my work and i think i'm falling further in love with someone who i'm still not convinced is real. he's the sort of thing i'd pull out of a dream and wake up in a panic that he's never going to show up again, but he keeps coming back this time. it's such a scary thing to me but i am really feeling comfortable with this.

this boy is the greatest, holy fucking shit i can't contain myself and my happiness and i'm terrified but this is what i want

i totally can't handle this at all. its only been a week of this boy and its been one of the best weeks of my life. i don't know how to manage this happiness at all.

we'll also take a moment to appreciate all the boy attention i've had over the past few months,
and we'll take a moment to appreciate i'm blogging this here because a certain boy could see this anywhere else and i don't want him to know i have the absolute biggest crush on him ever

here we go.

we're going to take a moment to appreciate how much my anxiety and panic levels have decreased over the months, and we're also going to take a moment to farewell the past me that got emotionally ripped to shreds by a boy's awful words and in a way, succeeded in suicide. i wish you a nice long rest and i'm sorry that the outer shell of me that's left wasn't enough to protect you, although i know you were told you were protected by somebody else. it's nobody's fault and one day maybe he'll be able to accept what he's done without having to deny having done it because deep down he knows how bad it really was.

stop hating yourself you fucking idiot you don't have time anymore

reading previous posts is a little strange because i could swear it wasn't me writing them, if i didn't already know it was me.

i'm not sure what exactly has changed since then, but my head space is much nicer and i feel significantly more stable. i don't care so much about whatever the multitude of posts were about, but i feel like i can trust myself. maybe it was simply just time that let me heal.

i'm sick of the nightmares
i'm sick of the emptiness
i'm sick of the loneliness
i'm sick of the waiting
i'm sick of the trying
i'm sick of the exhaustion
i'm sick of the me
and the you
and those yous, too

still bloggin' about wanting to be dead. i honestly don't know why i'm trying anymore, this is ridiculous. if only i were selfish enough.

so busy recently. i hardly have time to sleep properly because i have so much work to do.

i don't know what to say. things have been pretty good i guess, not perfect but totally much better. i'm still haunted by everything wrong but i definitely feel progress happening. it's going to take a while to completely break off feeling like an empty shell, though. yawn. i don't know why i'm even writing this. i guess because i can't talk to anybody because no one really cares and i don't want people leaving again.

pressuring me to walk back into that is exactly the same as pressuring me to go and hurt myself. i don't want to make that same mistake again and people should stop pressuring my pain.

You know, if anyone I know reads this (which I sincerely hope you they aren't), I'll love you forever if you never tell me you love me unless you really mean it. Honesty is something I appreciate so much.

I have copious amounts of trauma to recover from, but the idea of the end result is really exciting. I know I'll be able to reach it, even if it takes time, but that's totally cool as well. I wish I had someone to hold me hand a little bit, but maybe it's better to do this alone because of how many times I've been let down. I wish I had better luck with people, or maybe I wish I was worth enough to be cared about just a teeny bit. Sigh.

Naughty.

I miss a lot of things. I've got so much love to give but no one or anything else to give it to. Nothing would make me happier than having someone who I could just be super nice to to make them feel amazing. Happy people are the best people and one day soon I will be one.

still just as haunted as ever.
i'm never really lonely if i'm always with the monster.

I just want to be friends but I know it won't work. I don't trust you anymore, and I don't trust myself.

I had a dream we were the best friends I think we try so hard to be and never ever will. It was so nice and so ridiculous that I was even able to acknowledge it was a dream, and I chose to not wake up just yet. Sigh.

it's a BIT too late to care now considering you already rejected me after i told you about cutting myself. you probably don't care, but that sort of stuff mortifies me when other people feel awful and confused enough to do it. the fact i cut myself so deep i could see tears in other tissue terrified the fuck out of me. when i realised what i'd just done, i started bawling my eyes out and bandaged myself up. i couldn't sleep because i started having some sort of night terror about being paralysed on an table and everyone was looking at my cuts deciding and when it was light, i dragged myself to student health to have an emergency appointment with a counsellor, and bawled my eyes out some more over realising how much the way people have treated me over the years has actually lead me to hating myself so much. it was absolutely terrifying and all i wanted was a text or something from you letting me know i'm not worthless, not that you were to really know, i mean. i got hit back just as hard when you text me telling me i'm not welcome to your 19th and flat warming. i struggled quite a lot over those few weeks, like you don't even know how hard it was for me to drag myself out of my room in fear of breaking down on the way to uni or in the middle of a lecture or something. you knew i'd cut myself and therefore you knew how hard of a time i was having and you still chose to make things harder for me. i wouldn't have done that to you even if i was really angry at you, because at the end of it all you're still a person who matters to more people than me and you don't deserve to suffer. i felt like i was useless and everything i was getting was because i deserved it.

i know it might sound like i blame you for everything, but i really don't. when i look at the scars, i don't think about you yelling at me and telling me you'll never like me, i think about the way i chose to cope. i'm disappointed in myself. i think if you ever feel guilty about the way you treated me then and other times, then your own guilt is punishment enough without me or anybody else frowning upon you too. my problems are mine. honestly, i want you to be happy. the happiest person, actually. you deserve all the best things in life and i wouldn't ever deny those things from you. you deserve to feel so loved and you deserve the things you want. you're such an important person and i know you matter very much to people. you're so loved and you're so lucky, don't forget that. don't feel bad for me, forget about me instead and maybe you'll be able to grow a lot more, and i hope you continue to. take care.

i want to die

SO LONELY AND EMPTY AND UGH ME.

i feel fuck loads better just being back in d-town. i guess it's just like the deep c but without all the bad memories and people and places reminding me of them all.

ROCKIN', a registered psychotherapist e-mailed me back to see me within a week! Things will hopefully start getting somewhere, I'm so happy already!
Also, I have some wonderful friends who saved my from drowning myself in bad thoughts alone in my room tonight.

this overwhelming emptiness engulfs me. i can't tell anyone, it's so hard. i don't really want people to know how awful i'm feeling, if they could even begin to understand that is, and i certainly don't want them to understand. i'm probably going to drift away and they'll think i'm just another jerk but really, i just can't stay in this broken ol' city where everything is sugar coated to try not remind me of all the broken memories i'm surrounded by.

FEELING SO EMPTY, WHAT THE FUCK

an hour later and i still feel bad.

and honestly, the person i feel like i want a hug from is a boy i really didn't expect to like.

I shouldn't have gone to sleep at some ridiculous hour like 5:30 pm. I woke up again at about 9:30 pm after a nightmare and I'm feeling so panicky and ridiculous. I don't want to be haunted and plagued by so many negative thoughts but this seems to always happen when I'm back in C-town.

i truthfully don't feel unhappy, like things are fine and i get by with everything but it's so hard because it feels like i AM unhappy and i'm lying to myself, but i genuinely don't know. i'm worried i'm bottling everything up again but i don't even realise i'm doing it. whining doesn't really help. i just don't know how to actually determine what the problem exactly is here.

i've been in what feels like a minor panic attack for the past six hours, all because of a rude text message i got, oh my god.

It's wonderful learning to feel all these lovely little feelings again.

Good News: New Years didn't start off terribly this year, which was a relief. I had a really nice time, despite ending up actually missing out on partying because of a dear ol' pal exhausting himself. I'm not complaining whatsoever though, I was a bit exhausted myself I think.

Bad News: Family spontaneously showing up to stay over, and they're talking about staying over another night too. My Father only just started back at work today, and my Mother still hasn't. My Father is always too much and treats me like a moron, and as much as I love my Mother, I am in desperate need of space. I feel suffocated to an awful extreme, and it's not helping with more family members here. I'm the total outcast of the family because I don't fit in unless I put on another face, which I'm pushed into every stinking time. I've had enough of Christchurch.

/ANGST OVER.