i've been feeling so great lately. today as a couple of study breaks, i went for a walk around the botanic gardens to get some sun and fresh air. i just listened to music and whole time and smelt flowers and it was really enjoyable! there's the residual study stress that makes me irritated at everything around me still so i'm trying to keep to myself as much as i can in a flat, but that'll pass quickly.

i haven't done much else recently thanks to time-consuming papers and exams. sigh. overall, i really can't wait to get back and see everybody in christchurch. it has been so long because of how terrible my mental state was this year, i just wasn't able to see pretty much anybody throughout the idea without feeling i may break down (again, i've really come so far since things did hit a pretty bad low earlier this year). unfortunately in my accomplishment, i'm scared that one wrong move will fuck it up again, and what classifies as the "wrong move" broadens significantly when i return to christchurch. a friend told me i better be attending his party when i'm back and i'm literally not planning to because there's too high of a chance i'll slip up, and i really can't afford that at the moment (or ever, ideally). i did make myself a promise after my birthday had passed which i am still working on, and i am sure i will eventually accomplish it. i'm sure i'll be fine once i initially throw myself in the deep end, but it doesn't just come down to me, either. i don't know why i'm being vague, nobody reads this. most of all, i'm just scared he'll apologise to me and as much as i'll want to accept it, i know if i did then i'd be back to square 1 and that's just not fair. maybe the challenge to tackle is how to not get an apology, perhaps.