it's interesting looking at the turn around of the things i've posted here. i can't remember if i've pointed this already but just months ago i was a crumbling mess that seemed impossible to be repair, but here brand new like nothing really happened. it's a little (a lot) freaky how much seems to happen at once at times for me, and it's always over summer, too. my summer moods have never been particularly good (i mean, for the past 4 years now i've ended up losing that teeny bit of control over myself and suddenly i'm back with the same boy every time, for fuck sakes). 

and now, things are just so different. i never really thought i'd be head over heels over somebody else this much but it's such a good thing, and i'm even just unawarely making the best life style choices and everything is pretty much just playing out for me like it did when i was fifteen all over again (after years of bad luck, it makes me feel so skeptical). 

as wonderful as everything is, there is a little box of fear chained up containing everything that i think i know could ruin me. they're things i feel i've faced, but because i never got an apology from any of the people who made things the worst, i couldn't ever move on that last bit. it's heart breaking knowing other people never get an apology that could ease the weight they're still carrying; my case really doesn't bother me so much anymore if i'm being honest. i'm happy if this can be maintained and it honestly isn't a big ask as long as people let me be this time. 

i guess that's all i have to self reflect on. presently, things are fantastic and i'm going to hold onto this as tightly as i can.