lately i've been getting choked by my anxiety again. i've been back here for a few weeks now. i've spent most of the time working (which is good!), and i've seen a handful of people (still not everybody i want to see) which has been really good. i always find it stressful to be back here, though. as much as i love the city and everybody here, it's laced with bad memories from the shores of the oceans to my bedsheets. i get left alone much more here than i do down south, and this opens up my head to recall all of the lovely bad things. i often catch myself being swayed by my seemingly persistent anxiety at the moment and it's so much work to hold myself up. sometimes a walk seems nice (like tonight), but the ocean air on such a beautiful night smells like all of my nightmares too.

i'll be fine, with a little more work i'm sure i can enjoy my headspace in this city the same way i do down south as well.