it's a BIT too late to care now considering you already rejected me after i told you about cutting myself. you probably don't care, but that sort of stuff mortifies me when other people feel awful and confused enough to do it. the fact i cut myself so deep i could see tears in other tissue terrified the fuck out of me. when i realised what i'd just done, i started bawling my eyes out and bandaged myself up. i couldn't sleep because i started having some sort of night terror about being paralysed on an table and everyone was looking at my cuts deciding and when it was light, i dragged myself to student health to have an emergency appointment with a counsellor, and bawled my eyes out some more over realising how much the way people have treated me over the years has actually lead me to hating myself so much. it was absolutely terrifying and all i wanted was a text or something from you letting me know i'm not worthless, not that you were to really know, i mean. i got hit back just as hard when you text me telling me i'm not welcome to your 19th and flat warming. i struggled quite a lot over those few weeks, like you don't even know how hard it was for me to drag myself out of my room in fear of breaking down on the way to uni or in the middle of a lecture or something. you knew i'd cut myself and therefore you knew how hard of a time i was having and you still chose to make things harder for me. i wouldn't have done that to you even if i was really angry at you, because at the end of it all you're still a person who matters to more people than me and you don't deserve to suffer. i felt like i was useless and everything i was getting was because i deserved it.

i know it might sound like i blame you for everything, but i really don't. when i look at the scars, i don't think about you yelling at me and telling me you'll never like me, i think about the way i chose to cope. i'm disappointed in myself. i think if you ever feel guilty about the way you treated me then and other times, then your own guilt is punishment enough without me or anybody else frowning upon you too. my problems are mine. honestly, i want you to be happy. the happiest person, actually. you deserve all the best things in life and i wouldn't ever deny those things from you. you deserve to feel so loved and you deserve the things you want. you're such an important person and i know you matter very much to people. you're so loved and you're so lucky, don't forget that. don't feel bad for me, forget about me instead and maybe you'll be able to grow a lot more, and i hope you continue to. take care.