lately i've been getting choked by my anxiety again. i've been back here for a few weeks now. i've spent most of the time working (which is good!), and i've seen a handful of people (still not everybody i want to see) which has been really good. i always find it stressful to be back here, though. as much as i love the city and everybody here, it's laced with bad memories from the shores of the oceans to my bedsheets. i get left alone much more here than i do down south, and this opens up my head to recall all of the lovely bad things. i often catch myself being swayed by my seemingly persistent anxiety at the moment and it's so much work to hold myself up. sometimes a walk seems nice (like tonight), but the ocean air on such a beautiful night smells like all of my nightmares too.

i'll be fine, with a little more work i'm sure i can enjoy my headspace in this city the same way i do down south as well.

i'm feeling a little bit bad about a nightmare i had, it's really stupid actually but it made me wake up upset and hurt, which was the first time i'd felt like that in a while, and i'd done it to myself to without meaning to. i wanted to tell someone but everyone's busy/probably doesn't care, but that's what this blog is for anyway!

i don't remember the early part of the dream, but i slipped up with something anyway and an ex-friend showed up out of nowhere to help me, and i was so grateful and so happy that he'd come to help. i remember we were laughing and joking in my kitchen, but he went upstairs to go get something. i was about to tell my flatmate in the kitchen about how nice it was and just as i started to speak, he came back downstairs and went straight out the backdoor. i was confused so i went to follow and see what he was doing (because i was scared he'd leave), and he was leaving in a rushed pace. i followed and from a distance said "where are you going? please don't leave me again!" and he said "ugh i don't want to be here leave me alone" and it was horrible because we were getting on so well in the dream until this sudden switch. i followed but this was also when i woke up feeling terrible.

the thing about the dream is that's how it always was in person (not quite that sudden but pretty close still), and it wouldn't have hurt so much if i didn't care. i've never been very good at not caring, though, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing either (but it can be one). i don't have any strong beliefs about whether dreams have any real meaning behind them or not, but i can still take that one as a reminder about what being hurt feels like.

i've been feeling so great lately. today as a couple of study breaks, i went for a walk around the botanic gardens to get some sun and fresh air. i just listened to music and whole time and smelt flowers and it was really enjoyable! there's the residual study stress that makes me irritated at everything around me still so i'm trying to keep to myself as much as i can in a flat, but that'll pass quickly.

i haven't done much else recently thanks to time-consuming papers and exams. sigh. overall, i really can't wait to get back and see everybody in christchurch. it has been so long because of how terrible my mental state was this year, i just wasn't able to see pretty much anybody throughout the idea without feeling i may break down (again, i've really come so far since things did hit a pretty bad low earlier this year). unfortunately in my accomplishment, i'm scared that one wrong move will fuck it up again, and what classifies as the "wrong move" broadens significantly when i return to christchurch. a friend told me i better be attending his party when i'm back and i'm literally not planning to because there's too high of a chance i'll slip up, and i really can't afford that at the moment (or ever, ideally). i did make myself a promise after my birthday had passed which i am still working on, and i am sure i will eventually accomplish it. i'm sure i'll be fine once i initially throw myself in the deep end, but it doesn't just come down to me, either. i don't know why i'm being vague, nobody reads this. most of all, i'm just scared he'll apologise to me and as much as i'll want to accept it, i know if i did then i'd be back to square 1 and that's just not fair. maybe the challenge to tackle is how to not get an apology, perhaps.

so annoyed at nothing exactly, sigh

i don't know what i want

but an apology for making me want to die all those months ago is a good fucking start

feeling really spazzy and anxious right now which is pretty unusual for me these days (it's still pretty cool seeing myself recognise this as something uncommon now). i'm mostly just having a lot of guilt about what goes on in the animal industry, how animals are treated despite whether they're going to be sent off to be slaughtered for the purpose of being eaten etc. it's awful in every aspect and it really upsets me that i can't help. i can't even assist any upset friends right now because of all the work i have to do for exams and stuff, and that's something i find equally as heartbreaking (REALLY heartbreaking).

hm, besides this, i'm learning about the ethics and moral dilemmas behind neural grafts and stem cell therapy and such, which is actually also very upsetting (i'm just not having a good night with what i'm being exposed to, hahahaha), but also super interesting and engaging and they're pretty difficult issues to tackle in cases. i enjoy getting chances to free think about this sort of stuff.

oh, and my birthday was really great! i'm really fortunate to have such lovely people around me and i'm over-joyful for how things went! the thing i wrote about in my last post didn't happen as i expected of course, and that's okay. having given myself that guideline, i have something to actually work off of now (i could have used any day for it really, but a birthday had at least some rationale behind for me to feel i can work with it). i'm just glad to have that last bit let go of old troubles and catch up to the rest of me.

i remember the surprise i got on my last birthday, and a teeny tiny piece of me remembers the mixed feelings of confusion, anger, and also happiness. i didn't expect you at all to wish me a happy birthday then out of the blue, but it was nice. as much of you as i have let go with much work, that teeny tiny piece of me isn't going to let you go until after my birthday is over and i know you're gone for good this time. i need to really set myself this not as a rule, but a guideline.

and so, i declare that after the 17th of october, i will promise to never let you get a fragment of my hopes up. i promise to never think about you and remember how much fun we had as friends unless somebody else asks. i promise that i'll continue being as happy as i am now. i promise that your face and name will fade so much that i will never be able to reconnect you to the embodiment of the bad things and the good things you've done. you'll be gone, and neither of us will ever have this concern again.

research proposal done, oh my goodness i'm so glad it's out of the way. now i have a 30% due on wednesday which i haven't started, but it will be done!

this research proposal is getting less scary the more i try do of it and the more i read over what to do, it's starting to turn out like a typical lab report but with me actually proposing the experiment. it's such a bother i have to uses references to propose an idea and how i came to the conclusion that it could be good.

i can totally do this.

i have so much work to do and i don't even have time to sit back and just do something i like to do at the moment, jesus fuck.

i just finished a 14 page assignment (3200+ words) to hand in tomorrow which i'm hoping will get an A+, and early next week i have a research proposal due (the big assignment of the year i haven't been looking forward to) which i am only just starting now but i'm kinda really confused on what they want me to do, and the day after that's due is an essay for anthropology (which should be easy but ideally i wouldn't have it slotted in with all my other work at once, since it's worth 30% or something nuts).

old me would have choked to death doing this, but new me with fantastic mental and physical health actually isn't all that worried, just not sure how to manage my time if anything. i do love keeping so busy and feeling like i'm being totally useful.

in other news i got sexually harassed by another boy and i'm just so unimpressed. i can't work out why i attract this sort of shit, i don't provoke it in any way at all (not that unintentionally provoking it is a reason for it to happen at all, ugh). besides i'm too busy drooling over a lovely boy

i spent such a long time beating myself up about being a worthless shit-head that i genuinely forgot the core foundations of sort of what i am. i'm a nice person. i find nothing easier than being nice to people. i've been fucked over countless times for that that i guess i grew to think of it as a weakness making me incapable, but i also shouldn't mask the times others have really appreciated the fact i'm nice with the fact that others didn't appreciate it. i even complimented past-me earlier (although indirect, that's a big improvement).

i'm not sure what i'm explaining to myself. i know i'm improving more than i ever have. i know why i'm improving more than i ever have (and that's unfortunately tragic). i'm not going backwards, though.

meanwhile, my heartstrings continue to be pulled in the right ways, but i suppose just at the wrong times. i'm too busy this days, or maybe i'm too scared.

it's interesting looking at the turn around of the things i've posted here. i can't remember if i've pointed this already but just months ago i was a crumbling mess that seemed impossible to be repair, but here brand new like nothing really happened. it's a little (a lot) freaky how much seems to happen at once at times for me, and it's always over summer, too. my summer moods have never been particularly good (i mean, for the past 4 years now i've ended up losing that teeny bit of control over myself and suddenly i'm back with the same boy every time, for fuck sakes). 

and now, things are just so different. i never really thought i'd be head over heels over somebody else this much but it's such a good thing, and i'm even just unawarely making the best life style choices and everything is pretty much just playing out for me like it did when i was fifteen all over again (after years of bad luck, it makes me feel so skeptical). 

as wonderful as everything is, there is a little box of fear chained up containing everything that i think i know could ruin me. they're things i feel i've faced, but because i never got an apology from any of the people who made things the worst, i couldn't ever move on that last bit. it's heart breaking knowing other people never get an apology that could ease the weight they're still carrying; my case really doesn't bother me so much anymore if i'm being honest. i'm happy if this can be maintained and it honestly isn't a big ask as long as people let me be this time. 

i guess that's all i have to self reflect on. presently, things are fantastic and i'm going to hold onto this as tightly as i can.

still overwhelmed and i just have nothing new to say
times is moving so quickly that i can't keep up with all the finer things around me, and that's concerning for somebody so attentive.

i'm so happy and still dreaming, aren't i?

i've overcome such a big source of my anxiety and like, way to go me. this is such an achievement after everything that's happened this year, it really didn't seem like an achievement i could actually reach at the time. 

i'm going to have to start reestablishing trust sooner or later, but that will come with practice and time. i'll hopefully be luckier with people this time.

and to think it was only a few months ago where instead of being on top of the world, the world was on top of me. that's fucking madness to me how much has changed and how little control i seem to have over any of it.

things have been going by in such a blur and i'm entranced by the simplicity and the sweetness of everything. i don't know how to describe this but i feel like i'm on top of the world and everything is absolutely mine. this feeling is somewhat all too familiar, but this time i'm on top of something else altogether and this view is more preferable.

i'm doing well with all my work and i think i'm falling further in love with someone who i'm still not convinced is real. he's the sort of thing i'd pull out of a dream and wake up in a panic that he's never going to show up again, but he keeps coming back this time. it's such a scary thing to me but i am really feeling comfortable with this.

this boy is the greatest, holy fucking shit i can't contain myself and my happiness and i'm terrified but this is what i want

i totally can't handle this at all. its only been a week of this boy and its been one of the best weeks of my life. i don't know how to manage this happiness at all.

we'll also take a moment to appreciate all the boy attention i've had over the past few months,
and we'll take a moment to appreciate i'm blogging this here because a certain boy could see this anywhere else and i don't want him to know i have the absolute biggest crush on him ever

here we go.

we're going to take a moment to appreciate how much my anxiety and panic levels have decreased over the months, and we're also going to take a moment to farewell the past me that got emotionally ripped to shreds by a boy's awful words and in a way, succeeded in suicide. i wish you a nice long rest and i'm sorry that the outer shell of me that's left wasn't enough to protect you, although i know you were told you were protected by somebody else. it's nobody's fault and one day maybe he'll be able to accept what he's done without having to deny having done it because deep down he knows how bad it really was.

stop hating yourself you fucking idiot you don't have time anymore