It's officially the 31st of December now. For the past two new years, I've gotten really anxious about the outcome of my new year because the start of my year seems to start off progressively worse each time. I don't want a third bad start, so I suppose the point of this post is for a bit of reflection.

Well, I guess I'll start off with what I want for the new year. I want to be happy, most of all. I want to have security in my life and in the people around me (surprisingly hard). I want to do well at my papers at university. I want to experience more diversity in the society I live in. Heck, I really just want the year to start off NICELY. The anxiety I feel for the party to come is totally unnecessary, and I'm a bit embarrassed I feel this way. I really struggle with this time of year because there's always so much to let go of at the end of the year to begin the new one. I'm not good at giving things up.

So, my resolutions are as follows:

1. Veganism would be ideal, if possible/affordable.
2. Allow my confidence is grow.
3. Get a little better at trusting.
4. If tomorrow night just blows over like I expect, get the fuck back up and learn from my mistake this time.
5. Study hard, of course.
6. As always, treats others the way I want to be treated.
7. No dwelling on the past. 

I haven't thought of more. I really do just want a nice start to the new year. Maybe I'll ask someone to help me make sure I don't fuck up. Maybe I shouldn't think of this as the end, either. It's such a silly and exaggerated thought on my behalf, New Years is supposed to be exciting. 

I don't know why I trick myself into really believing I'm in capable of caring, when that's the only thing I'm good at. I'm too good at it, and it hurts so much. I don't want to care.

YES THIS IS MY LIFE AND YES YOU SHOULD CARE

Let's not get the wrong idea, though. I'm so over crying. I'm a bit tired and tomorrow will be lots of mind numbing bull crap, as blissful as it comes!

It's so much not okay. Even a little speck of a reminder is enough to rock me over. It hurts somewhere, but it's a long forgotten hurt. Why did I go to that party.

It took me a week to start snapping. A week here is too much. I need to get out and let off some steam, I think. Maybe a walk through the gardens will set my silly head straight.

Oh for crying out loud, I don't want to be back to square one. I don't want any more of the excessive thinking, and the anxiety, and the nightmares and the confusion and the WARNING CAUTION and the absolute emptiness and knowing how absolutely meaningless and small I am compared to pretty much ANYBODY else. Please don't put me back here.

I'm absolutely beyond exhausted. I'm all burnt up. Please, stop it.

I don't know where to start. I feel absolutely heart broken; an empty pit expanding and engulfing the details and potential of everything I am. God, it's ridiculous. I haven't even done anything and nobody has done anything, and that's the tragedy of it.

Is it absolutely stupid that I hear all this talk about the four of you being happy, friendly and excited about moving into a flat next year and talking about how you think it will be, and how you're going to experience how it's going to be and all the potential of the memories about to be made, and I'm sitting here screaming from behind a big, thick glass panel at you guys and you don't really notice me. You hardly remember me now in some cases. I'm somewhat of a bad memory, something that can't be brought up in all conversation because coupled with me is a bad omen. Nobody knows exactly why, really, and the worst part is you deny it; you deny it and try incorporate me into something I want so desperately, and I can never have it because I know all too well that I'm practically, in this situation anyway, a bringer of bad things. It is stupid, because I still try all the time to change this, and it's just not allowed to be changed, is it? Why? What have I done that's so absolutely, stomach wrenchingly spit-worthy of the sac of unwant that I carry upon my shoulders every day (and I mean, it's not shocking considering you never gave me a scrap of closure anyway). I feel like these memories being made, and these memories about to be made belong to me too, and I make all this space for them, only to have them taken away- no, never even placed because they AREN'T MINE. I don't belong here, and in this complex, I don't even exist. My goodness, do I want to exist. My goodness, do I want to be wanted. My goodness, why is it that I don't deserve this? Do I not at least deserve to be able to escape from ideals I want nothing to do with? At least let me forget and move on with the wonderful things I have worked so hard to create, instead of dragging me by my feet forcing me to work harder than necessary?

All I want is to stop holding back the screams for acknowledgement. I want it all to go away. I want the people to go away but I love people too goddamn much to ever let that happen again. I don't want other people to try make this better when they haven't broken anything. I don't want a drunken sailor to show up at my door in his underwear singing a jolly sailor song with his own drunken choreography included. I want ataraxy.

not that i am really that deserving of it

things i don't care about: everything.

My self-esteem crumbles when I can't freakin' get something right. I'm so used to everything being easy.

Oh, and besides what I'm doing right now, everything has been really good including a good grade in a paper with a supposed C- average last year.

I'm incredibly tired at the moment and I have been for days. Nothing I do seems to really help that, so I'm cutting coffee out of my life for now to see what effect that has. Eck.

Let's remember this as the day I in fact asked my crush out to a movie, and got a yes.

Last night I got a text message to come outside, and I got told to get in the car and I was taken off to a really beautiful spot up on a hill overlooking all of the city. It was gorgeous. I had so much excitement reaching across every inch of my body and there was happiness inside me; enough to cover the spread of Dunedin.
Things have been a little too pleasant lately. I'm a little nervous, but I'm certainly not complaining about the magic and simplicity surrounding my life at the moment.

I think there will be heaps of fun tonight!

It pains me how difficult I am.

There I go again, having nightmares about people leaving.

I kind of like having a crush on someone else. So many different doorways open up and I only feel these nice happy things, and there's not a single bad thing to remember.

You'd figure all the attention I get for (apparently) looking good would give me a huge self-esteem boost, although it does the exact opposite and I feel cheap and worthless because people see me as somebody they could potentially screw and have me done with in no time, like fast food.

Maybe I'm looking under the wrong stones, or maybe the problem is I'm not even looking and it's just happening. People are such stinkers and I'm not worthless.

I'll start counting all of my money and friends.

I'm so seemingly horrible at confronting myself and my own problems, but when it comes to confronting other people and their problems, I'm kind of good at that. I find it ironic how I expect to help others when I can't help myself the majority of the time. I don't exactly know what it is that scares me so much. Maybe it's being let down again, or unfairly treated, or simply feeling like I'm worth less than a scrap of dirt; I don't think it really matters which of these is the culprit. It's such a shame, I've been working quite hard to be the generally happy person I am today, but there's still this one stone in my shoe that I can't seem to shake out. I guess I'm tired after all the hard work I've put in so far, and I haven't quite got the expected result - oh, what is the expected result exactly? A part of me wants to ask for help, but another part says everybody else has a lot on their plate right now without your whining for an answer to something so obvious.

... but there's still something in my head that doesn't equate to a single thing other than nothing.

I've been doing a significant amount of thinking over the past few months. I've thought about things I didn't know I could think, and done a few things I didn't think I could do as well. I've done things I'm proud of, and others I wish someone could have caught me in the act and have stopped me, too. I feel like a lot of growing has been done, and whatever fucked up place my head inevitably fell into has coughed the remains of my entity up from the endless void and I'm here telling myself it's all totally better, and maybe because it is. I think I'll get the answers I've been looking for some day soon, but today isn't the day. I'm happy about a lot of things right now, perhaps much more than I'm used to. I love a lot of things too, and people. There's so many things happening in my head at the moment that it's scaring me, but I'm started to understand why this is also an incredibly exciting thing.