I don't know where to start. I feel absolutely heart broken; an empty pit expanding and engulfing the details and potential of everything I am. God, it's ridiculous. I haven't even done anything and nobody has done anything, and that's the tragedy of it.

Is it absolutely stupid that I hear all this talk about the four of you being happy, friendly and excited about moving into a flat next year and talking about how you think it will be, and how you're going to experience how it's going to be and all the potential of the memories about to be made, and I'm sitting here screaming from behind a big, thick glass panel at you guys and you don't really notice me. You hardly remember me now in some cases. I'm somewhat of a bad memory, something that can't be brought up in all conversation because coupled with me is a bad omen. Nobody knows exactly why, really, and the worst part is you deny it; you deny it and try incorporate me into something I want so desperately, and I can never have it because I know all too well that I'm practically, in this situation anyway, a bringer of bad things. It is stupid, because I still try all the time to change this, and it's just not allowed to be changed, is it? Why? What have I done that's so absolutely, stomach wrenchingly spit-worthy of the sac of unwant that I carry upon my shoulders every day (and I mean, it's not shocking considering you never gave me a scrap of closure anyway). I feel like these memories being made, and these memories about to be made belong to me too, and I make all this space for them, only to have them taken away- no, never even placed because they AREN'T MINE. I don't belong here, and in this complex, I don't even exist. My goodness, do I want to exist. My goodness, do I want to be wanted. My goodness, why is it that I don't deserve this? Do I not at least deserve to be able to escape from ideals I want nothing to do with? At least let me forget and move on with the wonderful things I have worked so hard to create, instead of dragging me by my feet forcing me to work harder than necessary?

All I want is to stop holding back the screams for acknowledgement. I want it all to go away. I want the people to go away but I love people too goddamn much to ever let that happen again. I don't want other people to try make this better when they haven't broken anything. I don't want a drunken sailor to show up at my door in his underwear singing a jolly sailor song with his own drunken choreography included. I want ataraxy.