lately i've been getting choked by my anxiety again. i've been back here for a few weeks now. i've spent most of the time working (which is good!), and i've seen a handful of people (still not everybody i want to see) which has been really good. i always find it stressful to be back here, though. as much as i love the city and everybody here, it's laced with bad memories from the shores of the oceans to my bedsheets. i get left alone much more here than i do down south, and this opens up my head to recall all of the lovely bad things. i often catch myself being swayed by my seemingly persistent anxiety at the moment and it's so much work to hold myself up. sometimes a walk seems nice (like tonight), but the ocean air on such a beautiful night smells like all of my nightmares too.

i'll be fine, with a little more work i'm sure i can enjoy my headspace in this city the same way i do down south as well.

i'm feeling a little bit bad about a nightmare i had, it's really stupid actually but it made me wake up upset and hurt, which was the first time i'd felt like that in a while, and i'd done it to myself to without meaning to. i wanted to tell someone but everyone's busy/probably doesn't care, but that's what this blog is for anyway!

i don't remember the early part of the dream, but i slipped up with something anyway and an ex-friend showed up out of nowhere to help me, and i was so grateful and so happy that he'd come to help. i remember we were laughing and joking in my kitchen, but he went upstairs to go get something. i was about to tell my flatmate in the kitchen about how nice it was and just as i started to speak, he came back downstairs and went straight out the backdoor. i was confused so i went to follow and see what he was doing (because i was scared he'd leave), and he was leaving in a rushed pace. i followed and from a distance said "where are you going? please don't leave me again!" and he said "ugh i don't want to be here leave me alone" and it was horrible because we were getting on so well in the dream until this sudden switch. i followed but this was also when i woke up feeling terrible.

the thing about the dream is that's how it always was in person (not quite that sudden but pretty close still), and it wouldn't have hurt so much if i didn't care. i've never been very good at not caring, though, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing either (but it can be one). i don't have any strong beliefs about whether dreams have any real meaning behind them or not, but i can still take that one as a reminder about what being hurt feels like.

i've been feeling so great lately. today as a couple of study breaks, i went for a walk around the botanic gardens to get some sun and fresh air. i just listened to music and whole time and smelt flowers and it was really enjoyable! there's the residual study stress that makes me irritated at everything around me still so i'm trying to keep to myself as much as i can in a flat, but that'll pass quickly.

i haven't done much else recently thanks to time-consuming papers and exams. sigh. overall, i really can't wait to get back and see everybody in christchurch. it has been so long because of how terrible my mental state was this year, i just wasn't able to see pretty much anybody throughout the idea without feeling i may break down (again, i've really come so far since things did hit a pretty bad low earlier this year). unfortunately in my accomplishment, i'm scared that one wrong move will fuck it up again, and what classifies as the "wrong move" broadens significantly when i return to christchurch. a friend told me i better be attending his party when i'm back and i'm literally not planning to because there's too high of a chance i'll slip up, and i really can't afford that at the moment (or ever, ideally). i did make myself a promise after my birthday had passed which i am still working on, and i am sure i will eventually accomplish it. i'm sure i'll be fine once i initially throw myself in the deep end, but it doesn't just come down to me, either. i don't know why i'm being vague, nobody reads this. most of all, i'm just scared he'll apologise to me and as much as i'll want to accept it, i know if i did then i'd be back to square 1 and that's just not fair. maybe the challenge to tackle is how to not get an apology, perhaps.

so annoyed at nothing exactly, sigh

i don't know what i want

but an apology for making me want to die all those months ago is a good fucking start

feeling really spazzy and anxious right now which is pretty unusual for me these days (it's still pretty cool seeing myself recognise this as something uncommon now). i'm mostly just having a lot of guilt about what goes on in the animal industry, how animals are treated despite whether they're going to be sent off to be slaughtered for the purpose of being eaten etc. it's awful in every aspect and it really upsets me that i can't help. i can't even assist any upset friends right now because of all the work i have to do for exams and stuff, and that's something i find equally as heartbreaking (REALLY heartbreaking).

hm, besides this, i'm learning about the ethics and moral dilemmas behind neural grafts and stem cell therapy and such, which is actually also very upsetting (i'm just not having a good night with what i'm being exposed to, hahahaha), but also super interesting and engaging and they're pretty difficult issues to tackle in cases. i enjoy getting chances to free think about this sort of stuff.

oh, and my birthday was really great! i'm really fortunate to have such lovely people around me and i'm over-joyful for how things went! the thing i wrote about in my last post didn't happen as i expected of course, and that's okay. having given myself that guideline, i have something to actually work off of now (i could have used any day for it really, but a birthday had at least some rationale behind for me to feel i can work with it). i'm just glad to have that last bit let go of old troubles and catch up to the rest of me.

i remember the surprise i got on my last birthday, and a teeny tiny piece of me remembers the mixed feelings of confusion, anger, and also happiness. i didn't expect you at all to wish me a happy birthday then out of the blue, but it was nice. as much of you as i have let go with much work, that teeny tiny piece of me isn't going to let you go until after my birthday is over and i know you're gone for good this time. i need to really set myself this not as a rule, but a guideline.

and so, i declare that after the 17th of october, i will promise to never let you get a fragment of my hopes up. i promise to never think about you and remember how much fun we had as friends unless somebody else asks. i promise that i'll continue being as happy as i am now. i promise that your face and name will fade so much that i will never be able to reconnect you to the embodiment of the bad things and the good things you've done. you'll be gone, and neither of us will ever have this concern again.

maaaan i'm so annoyed, i unfollowed a boy on tumblr for borderline vegan shaming (at least expressing a shit load of ethnocentrism which is something that really bothers me), and i don't really mind but he's going to start whinging when he notices i unfollowed him because he's insecure about himself as it is, but that is no excuse to shame other peoples beliefs and choices. he has already sexually harassed me anyway which was really uncool and i didn't go along with it, but i genuinely felt bad about his bad self-esteem that i couldn't justify cutting him off for being a creep. it's for the better, but i still feel bad about it although i haven't done anything wrong.

that was such a pointless rant, i'm really not bothered but i felt a need to justify myself still, hah. maybe i should question my own self-esteem.

nah, things have been good recently. i've been keeping super busy, although i've been really sick the past 3 days and haven't done anything. finn and brittany are here this weekend too. i'd love to go to laura's party and see them but my old friends will be there too and i've already had enough nightmares about being shunned to a corner of a room while they all have fun without me, it doesn't need to be a reality but i really struggle to tell people that. laura thankfully caught on it'd be awkward for me though and told me it was okay if i didn't go if i didn't feel comfortable, super nice of her! i'm sick anyway, so even if i were braver, i still couldn't have. haha.

in other words, i can't wait for summer so i can spend it all either working, seeing the best people and drinking, and walking through the shallow waters of the beach and using the fresh ocean air to clear my head. i'm so excited. i never knew the beach would have such a strong pull on me once i moved away from home, but it's all i can think about half the time. it's going to stick, too. i'm never going to be able to comfortably live anywhere far away from a beach, and that's fine by me.