i'm sick of the nightmares
i'm sick of the emptiness
i'm sick of the loneliness
i'm sick of the waiting
i'm sick of the trying
i'm sick of the exhaustion
i'm sick of the me
and the you
and those yous, too

still bloggin' about wanting to be dead. i honestly don't know why i'm trying anymore, this is ridiculous. if only i were selfish enough.

so busy recently. i hardly have time to sleep properly because i have so much work to do.

i don't know what to say. things have been pretty good i guess, not perfect but totally much better. i'm still haunted by everything wrong but i definitely feel progress happening. it's going to take a while to completely break off feeling like an empty shell, though. yawn. i don't know why i'm even writing this. i guess because i can't talk to anybody because no one really cares and i don't want people leaving again.

pressuring me to walk back into that is exactly the same as pressuring me to go and hurt myself. i don't want to make that same mistake again and people should stop pressuring my pain.

You know, if anyone I know reads this (which I sincerely hope you they aren't), I'll love you forever if you never tell me you love me unless you really mean it. Honesty is something I appreciate so much.

I have copious amounts of trauma to recover from, but the idea of the end result is really exciting. I know I'll be able to reach it, even if it takes time, but that's totally cool as well. I wish I had someone to hold me hand a little bit, but maybe it's better to do this alone because of how many times I've been let down. I wish I had better luck with people, or maybe I wish I was worth enough to be cared about just a teeny bit. Sigh.

Naughty.