i spent such a long time beating myself up about being a worthless shit-head that i genuinely forgot the core foundations of sort of what i am. i'm a nice person. i find nothing easier than being nice to people. i've been fucked over countless times for that that i guess i grew to think of it as a weakness making me incapable, but i also shouldn't mask the times others have really appreciated the fact i'm nice with the fact that others didn't appreciate it. i even complimented past-me earlier (although indirect, that's a big improvement).

i'm not sure what i'm explaining to myself. i know i'm improving more than i ever have. i know why i'm improving more than i ever have (and that's unfortunately tragic). i'm not going backwards, though.

meanwhile, my heartstrings continue to be pulled in the right ways, but i suppose just at the wrong times. i'm too busy this days, or maybe i'm too scared.

it's interesting looking at the turn around of the things i've posted here. i can't remember if i've pointed this already but just months ago i was a crumbling mess that seemed impossible to be repair, but here brand new like nothing really happened. it's a little (a lot) freaky how much seems to happen at once at times for me, and it's always over summer, too. my summer moods have never been particularly good (i mean, for the past 4 years now i've ended up losing that teeny bit of control over myself and suddenly i'm back with the same boy every time, for fuck sakes). 

and now, things are just so different. i never really thought i'd be head over heels over somebody else this much but it's such a good thing, and i'm even just unawarely making the best life style choices and everything is pretty much just playing out for me like it did when i was fifteen all over again (after years of bad luck, it makes me feel so skeptical). 

as wonderful as everything is, there is a little box of fear chained up containing everything that i think i know could ruin me. they're things i feel i've faced, but because i never got an apology from any of the people who made things the worst, i couldn't ever move on that last bit. it's heart breaking knowing other people never get an apology that could ease the weight they're still carrying; my case really doesn't bother me so much anymore if i'm being honest. i'm happy if this can be maintained and it honestly isn't a big ask as long as people let me be this time. 

i guess that's all i have to self reflect on. presently, things are fantastic and i'm going to hold onto this as tightly as i can.

still overwhelmed and i just have nothing new to say
times is moving so quickly that i can't keep up with all the finer things around me, and that's concerning for somebody so attentive.

i'm so happy and still dreaming, aren't i?

i've overcome such a big source of my anxiety and like, way to go me. this is such an achievement after everything that's happened this year, it really didn't seem like an achievement i could actually reach at the time. 

i'm going to have to start reestablishing trust sooner or later, but that will come with practice and time. i'll hopefully be luckier with people this time.

and to think it was only a few months ago where instead of being on top of the world, the world was on top of me. that's fucking madness to me how much has changed and how little control i seem to have over any of it.

things have been going by in such a blur and i'm entranced by the simplicity and the sweetness of everything. i don't know how to describe this but i feel like i'm on top of the world and everything is absolutely mine. this feeling is somewhat all too familiar, but this time i'm on top of something else altogether and this view is more preferable.

i'm doing well with all my work and i think i'm falling further in love with someone who i'm still not convinced is real. he's the sort of thing i'd pull out of a dream and wake up in a panic that he's never going to show up again, but he keeps coming back this time. it's such a scary thing to me but i am really feeling comfortable with this.

this boy is the greatest, holy fucking shit i can't contain myself and my happiness and i'm terrified but this is what i want