i've been feeling so great lately. today as a couple of study breaks, i went for a walk around the botanic gardens to get some sun and fresh air. i just listened to music and whole time and smelt flowers and it was really enjoyable! there's the residual study stress that makes me irritated at everything around me still so i'm trying to keep to myself as much as i can in a flat, but that'll pass quickly.

i haven't done much else recently thanks to time-consuming papers and exams. sigh. overall, i really can't wait to get back and see everybody in christchurch. it has been so long because of how terrible my mental state was this year, i just wasn't able to see pretty much anybody throughout the idea without feeling i may break down (again, i've really come so far since things did hit a pretty bad low earlier this year). unfortunately in my accomplishment, i'm scared that one wrong move will fuck it up again, and what classifies as the "wrong move" broadens significantly when i return to christchurch. a friend told me i better be attending his party when i'm back and i'm literally not planning to because there's too high of a chance i'll slip up, and i really can't afford that at the moment (or ever, ideally). i did make myself a promise after my birthday had passed which i am still working on, and i am sure i will eventually accomplish it. i'm sure i'll be fine once i initially throw myself in the deep end, but it doesn't just come down to me, either. i don't know why i'm being vague, nobody reads this. most of all, i'm just scared he'll apologise to me and as much as i'll want to accept it, i know if i did then i'd be back to square 1 and that's just not fair. maybe the challenge to tackle is how to not get an apology, perhaps.

so annoyed at nothing exactly, sigh

i don't know what i want

but an apology for making me want to die all those months ago is a good fucking start

feeling really spazzy and anxious right now which is pretty unusual for me these days (it's still pretty cool seeing myself recognise this as something uncommon now). i'm mostly just having a lot of guilt about what goes on in the animal industry, how animals are treated despite whether they're going to be sent off to be slaughtered for the purpose of being eaten etc. it's awful in every aspect and it really upsets me that i can't help. i can't even assist any upset friends right now because of all the work i have to do for exams and stuff, and that's something i find equally as heartbreaking (REALLY heartbreaking).

hm, besides this, i'm learning about the ethics and moral dilemmas behind neural grafts and stem cell therapy and such, which is actually also very upsetting (i'm just not having a good night with what i'm being exposed to, hahahaha), but also super interesting and engaging and they're pretty difficult issues to tackle in cases. i enjoy getting chances to free think about this sort of stuff.

oh, and my birthday was really great! i'm really fortunate to have such lovely people around me and i'm over-joyful for how things went! the thing i wrote about in my last post didn't happen as i expected of course, and that's okay. having given myself that guideline, i have something to actually work off of now (i could have used any day for it really, but a birthday had at least some rationale behind for me to feel i can work with it). i'm just glad to have that last bit let go of old troubles and catch up to the rest of me.

i remember the surprise i got on my last birthday, and a teeny tiny piece of me remembers the mixed feelings of confusion, anger, and also happiness. i didn't expect you at all to wish me a happy birthday then out of the blue, but it was nice. as much of you as i have let go with much work, that teeny tiny piece of me isn't going to let you go until after my birthday is over and i know you're gone for good this time. i need to really set myself this not as a rule, but a guideline.

and so, i declare that after the 17th of october, i will promise to never let you get a fragment of my hopes up. i promise to never think about you and remember how much fun we had as friends unless somebody else asks. i promise that i'll continue being as happy as i am now. i promise that your face and name will fade so much that i will never be able to reconnect you to the embodiment of the bad things and the good things you've done. you'll be gone, and neither of us will ever have this concern again.