maaaan i'm so annoyed, i unfollowed a boy on tumblr for borderline vegan shaming (at least expressing a shit load of ethnocentrism which is something that really bothers me), and i don't really mind but he's going to start whinging when he notices i unfollowed him because he's insecure about himself as it is, but that is no excuse to shame other peoples beliefs and choices. he has already sexually harassed me anyway which was really uncool and i didn't go along with it, but i genuinely felt bad about his bad self-esteem that i couldn't justify cutting him off for being a creep. it's for the better, but i still feel bad about it although i haven't done anything wrong.

that was such a pointless rant, i'm really not bothered but i felt a need to justify myself still, hah. maybe i should question my own self-esteem.

nah, things have been good recently. i've been keeping super busy, although i've been really sick the past 3 days and haven't done anything. finn and brittany are here this weekend too. i'd love to go to laura's party and see them but my old friends will be there too and i've already had enough nightmares about being shunned to a corner of a room while they all have fun without me, it doesn't need to be a reality but i really struggle to tell people that. laura thankfully caught on it'd be awkward for me though and told me it was okay if i didn't go if i didn't feel comfortable, super nice of her! i'm sick anyway, so even if i were braver, i still couldn't have. haha.

in other words, i can't wait for summer so i can spend it all either working, seeing the best people and drinking, and walking through the shallow waters of the beach and using the fresh ocean air to clear my head. i'm so excited. i never knew the beach would have such a strong pull on me once i moved away from home, but it's all i can think about half the time. it's going to stick, too. i'm never going to be able to comfortably live anywhere far away from a beach, and that's fine by me.

research proposal done, oh my goodness i'm so glad it's out of the way. now i have a 30% due on wednesday which i haven't started, but it will be done!

this research proposal is getting less scary the more i try do of it and the more i read over what to do, it's starting to turn out like a typical lab report but with me actually proposing the experiment. it's such a bother i have to uses references to propose an idea and how i came to the conclusion that it could be good.

i can totally do this.

i have so much work to do and i don't even have time to sit back and just do something i like to do at the moment, jesus fuck.

i just finished a 14 page assignment (3200+ words) to hand in tomorrow which i'm hoping will get an A+, and early next week i have a research proposal due (the big assignment of the year i haven't been looking forward to) which i am only just starting now but i'm kinda really confused on what they want me to do, and the day after that's due is an essay for anthropology (which should be easy but ideally i wouldn't have it slotted in with all my other work at once, since it's worth 30% or something nuts).

old me would have choked to death doing this, but new me with fantastic mental and physical health actually isn't all that worried, just not sure how to manage my time if anything. i do love keeping so busy and feeling like i'm being totally useful.

in other news i got sexually harassed by another boy and i'm just so unimpressed. i can't work out why i attract this sort of shit, i don't provoke it in any way at all (not that unintentionally provoking it is a reason for it to happen at all, ugh). besides i'm too busy drooling over a lovely boy

i spent such a long time beating myself up about being a worthless shit-head that i genuinely forgot the core foundations of sort of what i am. i'm a nice person. i find nothing easier than being nice to people. i've been fucked over countless times for that that i guess i grew to think of it as a weakness making me incapable, but i also shouldn't mask the times others have really appreciated the fact i'm nice with the fact that others didn't appreciate it. i even complimented past-me earlier (although indirect, that's a big improvement).

i'm not sure what i'm explaining to myself. i know i'm improving more than i ever have. i know why i'm improving more than i ever have (and that's unfortunately tragic). i'm not going backwards, though.

meanwhile, my heartstrings continue to be pulled in the right ways, but i suppose just at the wrong times. i'm too busy this days, or maybe i'm too scared.

it's interesting looking at the turn around of the things i've posted here. i can't remember if i've pointed this already but just months ago i was a crumbling mess that seemed impossible to be repair, but here brand new like nothing really happened. it's a little (a lot) freaky how much seems to happen at once at times for me, and it's always over summer, too. my summer moods have never been particularly good (i mean, for the past 4 years now i've ended up losing that teeny bit of control over myself and suddenly i'm back with the same boy every time, for fuck sakes). 

and now, things are just so different. i never really thought i'd be head over heels over somebody else this much but it's such a good thing, and i'm even just unawarely making the best life style choices and everything is pretty much just playing out for me like it did when i was fifteen all over again (after years of bad luck, it makes me feel so skeptical). 

as wonderful as everything is, there is a little box of fear chained up containing everything that i think i know could ruin me. they're things i feel i've faced, but because i never got an apology from any of the people who made things the worst, i couldn't ever move on that last bit. it's heart breaking knowing other people never get an apology that could ease the weight they're still carrying; my case really doesn't bother me so much anymore if i'm being honest. i'm happy if this can be maintained and it honestly isn't a big ask as long as people let me be this time. 

i guess that's all i have to self reflect on. presently, things are fantastic and i'm going to hold onto this as tightly as i can.