pressuring me to walk back into that is exactly the same as pressuring me to go and hurt myself. i don't want to make that same mistake again and people should stop pressuring my pain.

You know, if anyone I know reads this (which I sincerely hope you they aren't), I'll love you forever if you never tell me you love me unless you really mean it. Honesty is something I appreciate so much.

I have copious amounts of trauma to recover from, but the idea of the end result is really exciting. I know I'll be able to reach it, even if it takes time, but that's totally cool as well. I wish I had someone to hold me hand a little bit, but maybe it's better to do this alone because of how many times I've been let down. I wish I had better luck with people, or maybe I wish I was worth enough to be cared about just a teeny bit. Sigh.

Naughty.

I miss a lot of things. I've got so much love to give but no one or anything else to give it to. Nothing would make me happier than having someone who I could just be super nice to to make them feel amazing. Happy people are the best people and one day soon I will be one.

still just as haunted as ever.
i'm never really lonely if i'm always with the monster.

I just want to be friends but I know it won't work. I don't trust you anymore, and I don't trust myself.

I had a dream we were the best friends I think we try so hard to be and never ever will. It was so nice and so ridiculous that I was even able to acknowledge it was a dream, and I chose to not wake up just yet. Sigh.

it's a BIT too late to care now considering you already rejected me after i told you about cutting myself. you probably don't care, but that sort of stuff mortifies me when other people feel awful and confused enough to do it. the fact i cut myself so deep i could see tears in other tissue terrified the fuck out of me. when i realised what i'd just done, i started bawling my eyes out and bandaged myself up. i couldn't sleep because i started having some sort of night terror about being paralysed on an table and everyone was looking at my cuts deciding and when it was light, i dragged myself to student health to have an emergency appointment with a counsellor, and bawled my eyes out some more over realising how much the way people have treated me over the years has actually lead me to hating myself so much. it was absolutely terrifying and all i wanted was a text or something from you letting me know i'm not worthless, not that you were to really know, i mean. i got hit back just as hard when you text me telling me i'm not welcome to your 19th and flat warming. i struggled quite a lot over those few weeks, like you don't even know how hard it was for me to drag myself out of my room in fear of breaking down on the way to uni or in the middle of a lecture or something. you knew i'd cut myself and therefore you knew how hard of a time i was having and you still chose to make things harder for me. i wouldn't have done that to you even if i was really angry at you, because at the end of it all you're still a person who matters to more people than me and you don't deserve to suffer. i felt like i was useless and everything i was getting was because i deserved it.

i know it might sound like i blame you for everything, but i really don't. when i look at the scars, i don't think about you yelling at me and telling me you'll never like me, i think about the way i chose to cope. i'm disappointed in myself. i think if you ever feel guilty about the way you treated me then and other times, then your own guilt is punishment enough without me or anybody else frowning upon you too. my problems are mine. honestly, i want you to be happy. the happiest person, actually. you deserve all the best things in life and i wouldn't ever deny those things from you. you deserve to feel so loved and you deserve the things you want. you're such an important person and i know you matter very much to people. you're so loved and you're so lucky, don't forget that. don't feel bad for me, forget about me instead and maybe you'll be able to grow a lot more, and i hope you continue to. take care.

i want to die

SO LONELY AND EMPTY AND UGH ME.

i feel fuck loads better just being back in d-town. i guess it's just like the deep c but without all the bad memories and people and places reminding me of them all.

ROCKIN', a registered psychotherapist e-mailed me back to see me within a week! Things will hopefully start getting somewhere, I'm so happy already!
Also, I have some wonderful friends who saved my from drowning myself in bad thoughts alone in my room tonight.

this overwhelming emptiness engulfs me. i can't tell anyone, it's so hard. i don't really want people to know how awful i'm feeling, if they could even begin to understand that is, and i certainly don't want them to understand. i'm probably going to drift away and they'll think i'm just another jerk but really, i just can't stay in this broken ol' city where everything is sugar coated to try not remind me of all the broken memories i'm surrounded by.

FEELING SO EMPTY, WHAT THE FUCK