Let's remember this as the day I in fact asked my crush out to a movie, and got a yes.

Last night I got a text message to come outside, and I got told to get in the car and I was taken off to a really beautiful spot up on a hill overlooking all of the city. It was gorgeous. I had so much excitement reaching across every inch of my body and there was happiness inside me; enough to cover the spread of Dunedin.
Things have been a little too pleasant lately. I'm a little nervous, but I'm certainly not complaining about the magic and simplicity surrounding my life at the moment.

I think there will be heaps of fun tonight!

It pains me how difficult I am.

There I go again, having nightmares about people leaving.

I kind of like having a crush on someone else. So many different doorways open up and I only feel these nice happy things, and there's not a single bad thing to remember.

You'd figure all the attention I get for (apparently) looking good would give me a huge self-esteem boost, although it does the exact opposite and I feel cheap and worthless because people see me as somebody they could potentially screw and have me done with in no time, like fast food.

Maybe I'm looking under the wrong stones, or maybe the problem is I'm not even looking and it's just happening. People are such stinkers and I'm not worthless.

I'll start counting all of my money and friends.

I'm so seemingly horrible at confronting myself and my own problems, but when it comes to confronting other people and their problems, I'm kind of good at that. I find it ironic how I expect to help others when I can't help myself the majority of the time. I don't exactly know what it is that scares me so much. Maybe it's being let down again, or unfairly treated, or simply feeling like I'm worth less than a scrap of dirt; I don't think it really matters which of these is the culprit. It's such a shame, I've been working quite hard to be the generally happy person I am today, but there's still this one stone in my shoe that I can't seem to shake out. I guess I'm tired after all the hard work I've put in so far, and I haven't quite got the expected result - oh, what is the expected result exactly? A part of me wants to ask for help, but another part says everybody else has a lot on their plate right now without your whining for an answer to something so obvious.

... but there's still something in my head that doesn't equate to a single thing other than nothing.

I've been doing a significant amount of thinking over the past few months. I've thought about things I didn't know I could think, and done a few things I didn't think I could do as well. I've done things I'm proud of, and others I wish someone could have caught me in the act and have stopped me, too. I feel like a lot of growing has been done, and whatever fucked up place my head inevitably fell into has coughed the remains of my entity up from the endless void and I'm here telling myself it's all totally better, and maybe because it is. I think I'll get the answers I've been looking for some day soon, but today isn't the day. I'm happy about a lot of things right now, perhaps much more than I'm used to. I love a lot of things too, and people. There's so many things happening in my head at the moment that it's scaring me, but I'm started to understand why this is also an incredibly exciting thing.