i've overcome such a big source of my anxiety and like, way to go me. this is such an achievement after everything that's happened this year, it really didn't seem like an achievement i could actually reach at the time. 

i'm going to have to start reestablishing trust sooner or later, but that will come with practice and time. i'll hopefully be luckier with people this time.

and to think it was only a few months ago where instead of being on top of the world, the world was on top of me. that's fucking madness to me how much has changed and how little control i seem to have over any of it.

things have been going by in such a blur and i'm entranced by the simplicity and the sweetness of everything. i don't know how to describe this but i feel like i'm on top of the world and everything is absolutely mine. this feeling is somewhat all too familiar, but this time i'm on top of something else altogether and this view is more preferable.

i'm doing well with all my work and i think i'm falling further in love with someone who i'm still not convinced is real. he's the sort of thing i'd pull out of a dream and wake up in a panic that he's never going to show up again, but he keeps coming back this time. it's such a scary thing to me but i am really feeling comfortable with this.

this boy is the greatest, holy fucking shit i can't contain myself and my happiness and i'm terrified but this is what i want

i totally can't handle this at all. its only been a week of this boy and its been one of the best weeks of my life. i don't know how to manage this happiness at all.

we'll also take a moment to appreciate all the boy attention i've had over the past few months,
and we'll take a moment to appreciate i'm blogging this here because a certain boy could see this anywhere else and i don't want him to know i have the absolute biggest crush on him ever

here we go.

we're going to take a moment to appreciate how much my anxiety and panic levels have decreased over the months, and we're also going to take a moment to farewell the past me that got emotionally ripped to shreds by a boy's awful words and in a way, succeeded in suicide. i wish you a nice long rest and i'm sorry that the outer shell of me that's left wasn't enough to protect you, although i know you were told you were protected by somebody else. it's nobody's fault and one day maybe he'll be able to accept what he's done without having to deny having done it because deep down he knows how bad it really was.