i'm feeling a little bit bad about a nightmare i had, it's really stupid actually but it made me wake up upset and hurt, which was the first time i'd felt like that in a while, and i'd done it to myself to without meaning to. i wanted to tell someone but everyone's busy/probably doesn't care, but that's what this blog is for anyway!

i don't remember the early part of the dream, but i slipped up with something anyway and an ex-friend showed up out of nowhere to help me, and i was so grateful and so happy that he'd come to help. i remember we were laughing and joking in my kitchen, but he went upstairs to go get something. i was about to tell my flatmate in the kitchen about how nice it was and just as i started to speak, he came back downstairs and went straight out the backdoor. i was confused so i went to follow and see what he was doing (because i was scared he'd leave), and he was leaving in a rushed pace. i followed and from a distance said "where are you going? please don't leave me again!" and he said "ugh i don't want to be here leave me alone" and it was horrible because we were getting on so well in the dream until this sudden switch. i followed but this was also when i woke up feeling terrible.

the thing about the dream is that's how it always was in person (not quite that sudden but pretty close still), and it wouldn't have hurt so much if i didn't care. i've never been very good at not caring, though, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing either (but it can be one). i don't have any strong beliefs about whether dreams have any real meaning behind them or not, but i can still take that one as a reminder about what being hurt feels like.